Lee & Carly - Sapphire Program Early Wins

Sapphire Program - Quick Wins - Lee & Carly, Birmingham

Lee & Carly were really struggling with their relationship, in fact they were ready to give up. He worked really unsociable hours, and she was a very busy mum with 3 kids and their disconnection had led to some pretty violent rows. Carly had asked Lee to move out. 

Carly had asked for help through Bark, and at the 1st Session Carly was at first alone on the call. Lee was in the room, and once he heard that we were asking Carly questions about how they had both got themselves into this unhealthy place, he joined the call. They were both scoring their Relationship and their intimacy at 1 out of 10 (O being awful, dreadful and painful and 10 being happy, loving and connected)   

This is why our sessions are so different from ‘normal’ counselling. Counselling most often is trying to find out who is to blame, and then they are told to stop doing it! 

This doesn’t take into consideration how difficult it is for humans to change their patterns of behaviour and it is commonly where people are just asked to tell their version of events. This always makes the other person wrong. Even when someone admits to ‘behaving badly’ in this situation they will often defend themselves by saying, that they couldn’t help it because of stress, their partner, their upbringing or their past. 

Both feel helpless to resolve things and so this can never work to bring people back together. 

Only when both partners are willing to see how the dynamic between them, and their individual reactions to life’s situations, has led to their present situation can we help them to resolve things. 

So back to Lee & Carly. Once Lee had joined the call and had answered the exact same questions that we had put to Carly, you could literally feel the pressure in the room lift. 

They both decided that they wanted to sort this out, for themselves, the children and each other. They joined our Sapphire Program, with a 10/10 of commitment and a high level of belief that it could get sorted. 

Here’s how it went: 

Carly wrote:

The first training really broke things down for us and we both agreed we need to become even more aware of our ‘state’ and our ‘addictions’. We spoke afterwards and we’re trying to understand what we both need and want from the program. 

I think we will both struggle with letting go of things that have happened and having faith that it will get better, but we are both committed and we also understand we will ‘fall over’ as you call it:) It's about learning how we get back up. Thanks C x

Lee wrote: 

Hi, I get that most of the time I worry about the what-ifs. That feels stupid as I can't predict the future.  I also get that my anger stems from something that happened when I was around 9/10 years old when I was not allowed to see a family member that I was very very close to. 

I know I need to move on or my relationship will never work. As you say in the video I need to leave my bag full of crap behind. I have never been able to forget and I know that’s not good. Lee

Tony & I shared how great it was they had both had realisations about themselves, as well as their partner, and that they had shared what they knew would be challenging. We also asked what affect had their state and addictions had on their relationship and the kids.. 

Carly wrote:  

Thanks both, we have talked about how bad this has been for us, and of course, sadly for the kids too. I think this will help both of us to catch ourselves, as I feel I'm very much living in an angry state most of the time. We will give it a go and see how it pans out and let you know. 

 A week or so later she wrote again:

 Good morning, we have just watched Training 2. We both found it a hard one but we are working on looking at it from a new, healthy, green state and I feel that’s starting to be embedded into both of us. A few weeks ago ago that discussion would have resulted in a very ugly fight. 

 Also, there was something bothering me a few days ago and instead of getting upset and angry about it I pulled back and pulled myself out of it. So something is definitely working.

I think this man/woman (pink and blue) is going to be tougher and so we are planning on sitting down with each other at some point this weekend and help each other work out where we stand with it. X 

And a week later: 

So.... we sat down together Sunday night and spoke about it. This was a big one for us as this would have usually ended up in an argument because we wouldn't agree with what the other one was saying. We stayed calm and talked through how we thought these masculine/feminine words fitted us and gained more understanding of it all in general. 

As I said before this one is a difficult one as although we can recognise the patterns we both would agree we don't know how to change them. I’m personally going to take some time to see when and where I can slowly begin to make some of the changes and read the book that you recommended. 

Lee & I feel that things are much more positive in general and I don't feel so tense or disconnected from Craig. 

He sends his best and we are having all good feelings and staying positive for a good outcome. 

Lee wrote: 

I get it and I get why things have gone wrong. I get that I’m doing the pink stuff and then not liking myself afterwards. Hence the addictions. I’m struggling to see how I can even begin to turn things around. Help, please!

This is how the Sapphire Program works. Tony will have given Lee some distinctions about how to turn things around, how to handle any addictive thoughts and how to interact well with Carly. 

It takes as long as it takes. Each couple, and in some cases each individual person, takes the program at their own pace and with as much or as little interaction with us as they wish.