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John & Lindy - Diamond Program - Resolved

Diamond Program Relationship Saved From Divorce - John & Lindy, Florida USA

Unfortunately, it is so so common for intimacy to become stale or non-existent, and for the marriage to break down completely, when a couple has been together a certain number of years, had kids and/or faced money issues.  

The result is very often that the man and woman turn to their individual addictions to feel better and to get their needs met. 

John & Lindy’s marriage, our first-ever Diamond clients, way back in 2004, sadly ticked all those boxes. They’d been together for 15 years, they have 4 children, a thriving business and a beautiful home. What could possibly go wrong? 

Well, like so many couples life was busy and complicated, and frankly, nobody teaches you at school how to be a husband/wife or parent! 

So gradually they fell apart. They literally started to live separate lives, John admitted to being ‘addicted to his business’ and Lindy admitted to being ‘addicted to trying to feel less tired and overwhelmed, by moving towards unhealthy food and alcohol. 

When we got the emergency call John shared how they couldn’t possibly come to us as he couldn’t leave the business and she couldn’t leave the kids. 

So within a few days, we were on a plane to the USA. 

The house was beautiful but chaotic. The kids were wonderful but emotional and demanding. 

The business was busy, but money was scarily tight and the hours were absolutely exhausting. 

Interestingly, the two things we noticed very quickly were first that John & Lindy only communicated about practical, urgent issues. And when they did communicate it was unloving, and they was definitely no ‘togetherness’ or what we call ‘Us’ time.

Secondly, we noticed that they operated on completely different time lines. They went to bed & got up at different times, they ate at different times, they never shopped, chilled or went out together. 

The kids, bless them, seemed to be allowed to run riot in the house, eat from the fridge, and leave their toys and clothes anywhere. 

Now, we’ve both had kids and we’re grandparents too now, so we fully understand how difficult it is to bring a calm, orderly energy & presence to a house where there are young kids, and yet we could see that this was another problem that needed solving for this family to get back on track and stay together. 

During the first few hours, we definitely made progress in the most unusual ways. 

Tony went shopping with John and chatted with him as to how he might bring some loving discipline into mealtimes. He also gave John a gentle reminder as to the effects of high sugar content, processed snack products on them both, and of course on the kids. 

Now John had already learnt loads about healthy eating but he admitted to just being too tired to try and solve this problem. When Tony asked him one of our favourite questions, ‘what’s going to happen if you don’t get this handled’ John emotionally shared his worst fears about this family falling apart and promptly decided to start here and now, by buying some fab healthy snacks for the kids, fresh food for dinner and, after a little encouragement, a bunch of flowers for Lindy. 

You might be thinking - so Tony & Nicki Vee, you start by seeing what we are eating?? No, we start wherever it seems right to start. 

Ever since we’d arrived Lindy had been pre-occupied, quiet, and a lot of the time she’d stayed in her bedroom.  She was polite but distant. 

Once the men had gone shopping I went to see her. It was like an explosion of relief, anger and desperation. Just like John, she was terrified of this family breaking up but she had no clue at all what to do and no belief it could be resolved.

She shared about some of their intense, hurtful, nasty arguments. She shared how she didn’t feel any desire to go towards John, and she admitted to pushing him away if ever he tried to be close. She said that drinking helped. 

Their first breakthrough came when we asked them to talk to each other about their relationship. They both found it almost impossible until Tony asked them both, what it was they loved about each other when they first met.  Very slowly and very badly at first, they each shared a few special and personal things that they had loved. It was a very quiet, special moment and there seemed to be a little crack in both of their armours. 

You see when we are in a very poor state as an individual we find it very difficult to give. It’s all about getting our needs met. 

John gently asked Lindy if she would be willing to have her, and the kids, have dinner together with us. She nodded and there was a hint of a smile for the first time. 

That evening, with only a little bit of chaos getting all 8 of us sitting down together to eat a meal, we watched the family, very slowly re-connecting.

Now, there was much other work for us to do to get this couple to where they wanted and needed to be. 

Definitely a lot of education about their how their individual states, emotions, patterns and beliefs can cause arguments and fallouts. The list of learnings is always endless because each person brings their own negative issues, history, fears and behaviours into the relationship, that are at the root cause of the problems. 

It is said that the most important thing is not just to learn how to get into a more positive state, it is to be able to get into a positive state even when it’s really difficult! 

Partners tend to trigger the very buttons that bring out the worst in us unless we have control over our own thoughts, beliefs and behaviours. That can be the lifelong journey of development that we attempt to not only help couples begin but help couples sustain. 

It was a week where we tackled every issue that they had argued and fought about. Money, childcare, tidiness, working hours, and of course the addictions. 

Difficult to find the right words to describe the difference between when we arrived and when we left, but suffice to say Lindy & John had created a beautiful plan as to how the family could live together in more harmony, with a lot less chaos, and in a healthier state of mind and body. They had created an ‘Us’. 

They waved us off, John’s arm firmly around Lindy’s waist and the kids happily playing. 

Now, of course, the issues they had were not completely resolved in just a week. 

John phoned us, a few months later, furious that he’d arranged a work ‘do’ and that Lindy, who was having a very bad day, was not ready or in a good enough state to greet the guests. John had already shouted and threatened Lindy. Of course, that had made it worse and she had withdrawn. 

A good 30 minutes of coaching and reminding John as to how he might have provoked Lindy’s old pattern, and a short conversation with Lindy about the very same thing, got them to communicate again without blame and with a ton of understanding and forgiveness. 

A quick recovery got them ready to meet their guests, and it was a great anchor for them to use at any time when the old feelings, beliefs and behaviours came back. 

As I write this 18 years later, we love it that John & Lindy regularly write to us telling us all about the kid's achievements and sending us fabulous photos of their many trips away together.