This story is about a couple where there had been no honest communication in the whole 25 years of their marriage. 

It’s a story where sadly they hadn’t ever told each other how they felt, or what they needed, and both were blaming each other for their unhappiness, disconnection and arguments. 

It’s an amazing story about a couple, Bob and Sally, who came from the brink of divorce, to finally experiencing the love they had been ‘searching for’ for 25 years.

They came to us to give it one more ‘try’! 

One of the quick wins was a simple question: 

What was your experience, what did you see, of ‘intimate relationships’ as a child? 

This seemed to help them both - they were ok to share what they’d seen happen back then, easier than talking about what was happening in their relationship right now. 

They both shared how their parents had argued a lot, and then they both shared, using slightly different words to explain their past, that they had both been ‘abused’.

Sally explained how fearful she had been, and how she felt she could never trust a man. Bob shared how he had hidden himself away and had his own very isolated life.  

They looked at each other, and asked, ‘could this have had an impact on our relationship’? 

We explained how, so very often, what you have seen happen, and what you have experienced, has shaped your behaviours in your adult relationships.

Bob & Sally quickly learnt how to tell each other the truth about their unhappiness without arguing about it, or being defensive. They spoke openly about their innermost thoughts about the future, and why they both thought divorce was the only option. 

After sharing that he had always told lies to protect himself, Bob bravely told Sally that he’d not been honest with her since the start of their relationship. 

He had kept secret that he had been having sex with her best friend even before they were married, and it was still going on now, and how he’d regularly visited prostitutes. 

Sally was angry, shocked and upset, and instantly she wanted to move away from him and leave. 

I asked Sally, ‘how is this the best thing that could have happened here today’?

She did look at me as if I was the devil or mad! 

So I asked her again. 

She looked at me, softened and said, ‘I’ll find out why I keep being abused’ 

Wow. Sally saw what Bob had told her as him ‘abusing her’, and many women would agree I’m sure. 

The difference here is that she really wanted to learn why. She just needed some time and space to process it all. 

Tony was assisting Bob. Bob saw himself as the worst person in the world. He had upset the one person in life that he loved the most. 

Tony helped Bob see that, having told the truth, and by working to reassure Sally that he’d decided he would never lie to her again, even if it took time, this would be the healing that they both needed. 

Bob agreed to find words to reassure her, and to give her the time and space she was asking for. 

The individual intricacies of what behaviours Bob & Sally had been running since childhood that had caused their disconnection, arguments and ultimately infidelity were complex. 

I think it’s sufficient to say that it was the understanding of this that helped them talk about it, and understand each other so much more than they had ever done before. 

Sally started to understand herself and how she had never ‘let him in’, or let him be  ‘fully intimate with her’, and this helped her to begin to process what had happened, start to forgive him, and think about learning to trust him for the future.

Sally was understandably still not sure at this early stage that she wanted to stay with Bob. She still felt as if what had happened was too much of a betrayal of her trust, and how was she going to face her best friend ever again? 

Tony counselled Bob to give her time and to accept that they may not have a future. 

By giving Sally space to make her decision, and by reassuring her that he would never lie to her again, Sally began to open up to him. 

She shared that she had always seen sex as ‘dirty’, and that she had not been able to ‘stand him near her’, and as she shared this you could literally feel her slowly begin to blame him less. 

This was definitely a huge step forward. 

Bob stepped in to say he would speak to her best friend immediately and end the relationship for good, and he offered to be Sally’s rock, and be by her side if she ever wanted to face her friend about it.

So after a lot of awareness, acceptance, understanding and forgiveness Sally agreed to commit to giving it time. 

Tony & I noticed that the more time & space Bob gave to Sally, and the more unattached he was about the future, the more she moved back towards him. 

Those first 2 weeks were definitely the hardest for them both, but once they’d made the decision to live and stay together in the same house, and at the same time work individually on moving on from the past, everything started to heal. 

They spent their first intimate weekend away together only 4 weeks later. 

They both shared that they believed they’d experienced true intimacy and love together for the very first time. 

We all cried as we appreciated the enormity of their achievement.

Why not grab one of our Complimentary Relationship Books or Products in the Tony & Nicki Relationship Store on our Website, here's the link - Tony & Nicki's Relationship Book & Product Store

Live Life Loving - Tony & Nicki Vee

PS - The fastest way to get help with your Intimate Relationship is to book a session, go to Tony & Nicki's Home Page and watch the short video on how it all works - www.tonyandnickivee.com 

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